Why having money made me anxious

Growing up, money taught me one thing early on: don’t get too comfortable.

My dad was an entrepreneur in the real estate industry, which meant money could come in all at once and then disappear just as quickly. There were good seasons and quiet ones, and no one really explained what was happening. We just adjusted. Then the 2008 recession hit and everything shifted. Our family was impacted, and I watched my parents rebuild from the ground up. I didn’t understand the details, but I understood the feeling. Money wasn’t something you trusted. It was something you watched closely.

We never really talked about money or what was going on. I just felt it. That year, even small things carried weight. I remember shopping for my prom dress and feeling guilty about how much it cost. I remember thinking carefully about graduation plans, aware that celebrating felt indulgent when everything else felt uncertain. No one told me not to enjoy those moments, but I learned quietly that money came with tension and unspoken rules.

As a teenager, that turned into what I now recognize as my teenage girl money mindset. I wanted freedom. I wanted nice things. I wanted to enjoy life. But underneath that was the belief that money didn’t last. So when it showed up, you used it. You didn’t let it sit. You enjoyed it while you could.

That mindset followed me into adulthood.

When I started working a corporate 9–5, I finally had a steady paycheck. For the first time, money felt consistent. And I spent it. Happy hours after work. Weekend brunches. Designer bags. Clothes I didn’t need but convinced myself I deserved. Everything went on my credit card, and every two weeks I paid it off in full. I told myself I was being responsible. And technically, I was.

But I couldn’t save. I wasn’t building anything. I was just keeping up.

What’s hard to admit is that even then, I was good with money on paper. I could help other people plan, budget, and make smart financial decisions. I understood how money worked. I just didn’t have control over my own habits.

When I started my business, nothing changed.

Clients paid me, and as soon as the money hit my account, I felt the urge to spend it. I called it investing. Courses. Coaching. Tools. Things that sounded productive and justified. But the truth was, I didn’t like seeing money sit in my bank account. It made me uncomfortable.

Money sitting there felt temporary. Like it could disappear at any moment. So I moved it. I spent it. I turned it into something else.

At the same time, I told myself I wanted growth. I wanted wealth. I wanted freedom.

But none of that could happen if there was never any money left to support it.

The shift didn’t come from another strategy. It came from slowing down. I started doing the inner work. Journaling. Paying attention to my reactions. Asking myself why having money in my account made me anxious instead of calm.

I realized I wasn’t bad with money. I was still operating from my teenage girl money mindset. Spend it while you have it. Don’t trust it to stay. Keep it moving.

Today, I operate differently.

Now, when I want to do something, I plan for it. If I want to travel, I sit down and look at how much it’s actually going to cost me. I break it down by month and decide ahead of time how I’m going to pay for it.

When I decided to take a trip to Sedona in August 2024, I didn’t book it impulsively and figure it out later. I looked at every cost. Flights. Accommodation. Food. Experiences. I broke it down month by month and started putting that money aside in advance. By the time the trip came around, it was already paid for. My credit card was paid off before I even left.

That might sound small, but for me, it was everything.

It meant I wasn’t reacting anymore. I wasn’t spending to relieve discomfort. I wasn’t confusing movement with progress. I was making decisions from clarity instead of urgency.

Outgrowing my teenage girl money mindset didn’t mean becoming stricter or joyless. It meant learning how to hold money without panic. How to let it sit. How to trust myself with it.

Sometimes growth isn’t about making more money. It’s about learning how to handle the money you already have.