A (love) letter to our surrogate
The night before the embryo transfer, I lay awake, staring into the darkness. I was filled with hope, nerves, and excitement.
Would it work? Would I finally be able to bring a child home, after six years of loss?
I thought about you.
Were you awake in the darkness too? Were you excited? Scared?
The decision to pursue surrogacy was not an easy one. It is a choice we made after many miscarriages, pain, and heartbreak.
It was a choice filled with conflicting feelings.
On one hand: grief. I had let go of the idea of carrying a pregnancy to term, feeling the baby kick, and building a bond before birth.
On the other hand: hope. Modern medicine allowed for my egg and my husband’s sperm to come together in a petri dish and grow into a microscopic ball of cells. But nothing more could have happened without you. You offered me a path to making a family which I didn’t think I would be able to have.
It was an overwhelming decision, and I didn’t know how to feel.
We only recently met but we trusted you with our child — the most precious person in my life.
I hoped you would care for her like your own during pregnancy, but not so much that you would want to keep her afterwards.
I wanted to compensate you for this service (because pregnancy is hard and worthy of compensation) but didn’t want it to be only about money.
I was curious about every update and experience during the pregnancy, but wanted to respect your privacy and space.
I remember the moment we sat together in the doctor’s office, when you were approximately 36 weeks pregnant, waiting for an ultrasound.
Very hesitantly, I asked you: “How do you feel about getting close to giving birth, and the idea of handing this baby … back?”
And you answered, with such a serene smile on your face: “This baby always belonged to you. I feel like she is like my niece — when she is in my care, I love and protect her. But I always knew you were her mother and she is meant to be with you.”
More than a year has passed since that conversation, and this beautiful baby girl is starting to take her first independent steps. She has her father’s belly laugh and sense of humour. She has her mother’s eyes and determination. But most importantly, she has the confidence of someone born of love — from her mother, her father, her family, and you.
By some miracle, across the space of time in the ever-expanding universe, we found each other. We came together to create a whole new person, who will change the world.
You made me a mother, and I am forever grateful.